So, it happened again; I cracked! So far it's only happened to me twice in the last 6 months. The first was when we brought the baby home. I was fresh off of 28 hrs of labor, trying to breastfeed and only able to sleep every 2 hrs. I wasn't making enough milk to store in the fridge so there was no way for my husband to really help me. My baby had 3 potty accidents back to back. While changing my 3rd diaper in a row I started to cry imagining that I was a failure. I felt that I couldn't even diaper my baby correctly. Nearing my 6 months of motherhood it happened again today.
I woke up at 5 am to give the baby a bottle and have a healthy snack. I haven't had strawberries since I was pregnant because they were out of season. These strawberries were so ripe and sweet I could smell them from the package. A couple of strawberries in, I had an allergic reaction. My lips were swollen and my tongue went numb, thankfully I had Benadryl handy. Unfortunately, Benadryl makes me extremely drowsy which is a lose-lose when you have a baby to care for. There were no options, take the Benadryl to save my life, have some coffee and hope for the best.
My husband was able to come home early, as I was completely useless. In my prebaby days, I would have been happy to curl up in bed and sleep until I felt better. Presently, I still feel if I don't keep productive every second I'm a failure. Later on that evening after giving my baby a bath I laid him down snuggled in towels. Following our normal bath time ritual, I went to put on his diaper. While lifting up the towels my baby sent a delicate stream of pee that bounced off my comforter, through my sheets and on to my hardwood floor. Staring at the pee on the floor I felt like I was the soppy mess.
I am very new to motherhood and the idea of the type of mother I want to be. For the most part, when things go wrong I am the calm problem solver who doesn't sweat the small stuff. It's those days when I have to put aside taking care of myself to take care of the baby that I am my own worst critic; my personal judge, and jury.
Picture Credit: Calvin and Hobbs
I love your blog posts!!! They are so honest and heartfelt!!!! You are an awesome mom, sometimes as mothers we feel like we’re not doing our best, that’s normal and it’s an indication that we are doing our best because we are always striving to do more and be better! The pieces never really fit together as we hope and plan, but as long as you get them as close as you can everything will be alright! I love what you are doing here!! I can’t wait to read your next post!!!